So much about our lives is completely out of our control, and that’s a truth that can either startle you into an existential crisis or set you completely free, depending on your chosen perspective. Beyond the unexpected events that snowball into major life changes, even when you plan, the universe may want to take a new course of action. The behaviors of those around us are another asset completely out of control, and it’s one worth embracing.
The Let Them theory, introduced by Mel Robbins, is a powerful philosophy that’s getting major attention on TikTok and social media. The belief is centered on personal liberation from the fear of judgment. It encourages individuals to live authentically, express themselves freely and set firm boundaries while allowing others to do the same. Here’s how to apply the theory and consequently, change your life.
Where Did The Let Them Theory Come From?
Before we deep dive into the practice, exactly where did this life-changing brain hack originate from?
Mel Robbins is deeply respected author, motivational speaker and former lawyer. Known for her TEDx talk “How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over” and her best-selling books, “The 5 Second Rule” and “The High 5 Habit,” her voice has led many people through internal chaos. When she decided to post about the Let Them theory as an Instagram reel, the video went viral overnight, garnering over 20 million views and 1.5 million likes.
“If your friends are not inviting you out to brunch this weekend, let them. If the person that you’re attracted to is not interested in a commitment, let them,” Robbins shares in the clip. “So much time and energy is wasted on forcing other people to match our expectations.” The video eventually made its way to audiences on TikTok, all dying to know how to transform their relationship with themselves and others through the mindset hack.
What is the Let Them Theory in Psychology?
Though immensely powerful, the philosophy is as simple as it sounds: acknowledging that we can’t control other people and letting go of the expectations we force on those closest to us.
If your parents are judging your career path, let them. If your crush isn’t giving you the time of day, let them. If your bestie is somehow running back to her toxic ex for the millionth time, let them. If someone thinks your outfit is too scandalous, let them. This isn’t to say that you shouldn’t speak up on necessary boundaries or call someone out if they’re disrespecting you. Rather, it’s about accepting the things that you can’t change and pivoting your attention to self-love.
While it could seem ideal in theory for everyone around us to follow our perfectly curated script, they may be living out an entirely different movie. Growth is the purpose of this human experience, and it can only come when we allow people to be who they are and accept what the differences between you teach you about yourselves. In that same vein, the Let Them theory is an invitation to let go of the people who can’t fulfill your needs or honor your boundaries. By choosing to let them, you’re ultimately choosing your power, standing on business when it comes to your needs and knowing your unconditional value rather than trying to convince someone of it.
How Do You Get a Let Them Mindset?
Relinquishing fear of judgment and the need for control is certainly easier said than done and won’t happen overnight. It will be the result of micro behavioral changes that involve into one big mindful way of living. Implementing breathing exercises to help when emotions become heightened during a trigger is the key to protecting your calm. Consider starting a journaling practice to get any stuck or stagnant emotions out of the body, especially when you feel like you can’t effectively communicate them to the other party.
Similarly, being heard means knowing how to listen. It’s important to practice your active listening skills in order to receive that same kind of intention. In scenarios where you find yourself wanting to interject or through advice at a loved on confiding in you, say “Let them express how they feel,” notice the urge to take control and mindfully let that feeling go without acting upon it.
Most importantly, you must accept your new truth: while you can’t (and shouldn’t want to) control others’ behavior, you can still take responsibility for your own actions instead. Finding yourself irked, irritated or insecure is an invitation to look within and decide what you’re going to do with this emotion. Will you use it as an excuse to try and control the people in your life, or will you take back your power by minding your own business and letting them mind theirs?